It's amazing how a little something we see or hear can steer us inward and drive us home!
Today morning, I was listening to Dr Michael Beckwith and a phrase he used while speaking about forgiveness opened up a line of exploration for me. He said:
"Non forgiveness is self abuse".
Be it non-forgiveness of self or others, how is it serving me and how is it not? For years, I have been in those dark abysses, denying responsibility for my emotion and riding on the traumatic cycles of blame, guilt and shame. What was keeping me there? Even while knowing that this cyclic consciousness will only take me further down the darkness, why did I never try getting off that ride?
At the cost of my well-being, I chose to be a victim! I am now laughing at the paradox, a victim by choice! And why? What was the ignorance which I was never willing to acknowledge? Why was it so difficult to forgive?
Only after I promised not to judge, a number of answers came up. "Oh, these people would run you down and bury you alive if you forgive them. You would just get complacent and never move ahead in life if you were forgiving of yourself. They don't deserve to be forgiven. It is your penance to live in that shame."
As I sat in loving acceptance with each of them, I saw my inner child, frightened and lonely, facing a huge monster. While trying to put up a brave front, it was not aware of this corner it was pushing itself into. As the child crouched, the monster grew to engulf the child. Tears of helplessness welled up in the child's eyes. I could hear the child's inner voice trembling, "I don't know how to get away from this place and this monster. He will eat me. I have no one to help me."
I had to just hold the child and assure its safety. I had to tell the child"It's just your fears. It is your shadow and not a monster. You can walk away into the light and it will disappear. You can tame it, make it follow you and make it dance. You have it all in you. And yes, there is a lot of lovely and beautiful people out there ready to help. This world is a good place. Come, hold my hand and let me walk you home."
So here I am willing to free myself from my fears and bondage of non-forgiveness.
Here I am willing to embody all that is core to me - trust, safety, love and compassion.
Here I am willing to be vulnerable, to open my heart even if it means breaking it 💔.
Here I am arriving at my sanctuary. Here I am, coming home to me.